What is this post about?

In the tragic death of George Floyd and the still ongoing protests as of this writing, I have been thinking and reflecting on the issue of racism. While the issue and protest have been triggered within the North American cultural context, the angle of my reflection is not restricted to the NA context. Partly because racism isn’t contained within a particular culture, and also my own lack of understanding of the NA context.

Why now?

I’m the type to take my time trying to understand and grasp the subtleties of issues. Making this post is not an assertion that I have gotten all the details pinned down, on the contrary it is my attempt to just start from somewhere, in my own way. Some would say that I should have just immediately take some form of action and not be so caught up with how right or wrong what I do is. I won’t argue with that sentiment1, just that it’s not how I usually operate.

Without the tragedy that befell upon George Floyd, I likely won’t be making a post with this particular theme. Had recent events not been so widespread, I also think I probably won’t have made a post specifically on this topic either. So the creation of this post is also a result of being compelled to act due to my ignorance.

Have I been subjected to racism?

No. At least I do not feel that any of the treatments that I have received had been motivated by racism, intentional or not. Perhaps the closest event to racism would be when I was with my friend speaking our mother tongue language. Apparently at that time he overheard two people making near us to be making murmuring sounds which he said seemed to be making an impersonation of our speech.

Am I racist?

I do not think of myself as racist, but I doubt any person asked this would respond with an affirmative yes. But I realize that when talking amongst my close friends that I do make racial remarks of our own group jokingly. I also know that I have my own explicit racial presumptions. As someone with a bit of tanned color skin I did have my own phase of negatively viewing my skin color. It was brief, but it was a moment of associating human worth with skin color and an ingredient for developing racism through the lens of skin color. No one has said that I’m a racist, but that doesn’t mean that I have not been one, acted as one, or exude the sense that I am.

Am I an anti-racist?

To be honest the word anti-racist2 is a first for me from reading and hearing the various resources over these past few weeks. With regards to moral values I would say yes I am against anyone to be a target of racism. But I would not say that I have spoken up against racism, especially not compared to the recent calling to denounce racism and being anti-racist. When my friend pointed out to me the two people who he thought to be mimicking our speech I told him to let it be and to not let it bother him too much. I wasn’t sure myself whether the two people were really making a mockery of our speech or not, but at least reflecting back I should have stood up for my friend more, at least when I was consulting him and his feelings of discomfort

My stance on racism

Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image …” - Genesis 1:26

Whether by divine or natural commonality I believe that there is no difference in the intrinsic value between people of different races, skin color, social standing and culture. Intrinsically, everyone is equally valuable and should be respected as such. But in having this stance I sometimes forget the peculiarities surrounding one’s experience, the good and also their hardships. As we live our lives and subject to our personal AND collective experience, we would pick up unique perceptions and also treatments.

Not having felt to have been a subject of racism makes me prone to the thought of dismissing certain identity roles in one’s experience, including their race. Though, having given further thought to my own experiences and experiences, I would not retract my foundational belief of the intrinsic worth of people. This is a point of growth that I would hope to continue further as I continue life and interact with others.

Thoughts on violence in recent protests

I am not one that would like to resort to violence. I can imagine myself being violent, I can imagine myself returning payback violently to others, but I can’t imagine myself actually doing it. When I saw the violent death of George Floyd, I became teary-eyed, and when I took the time to replay it over and over in video and in mind, I wept. But my tears are certainly different from the tears of the black community who have experienced such physical abuse directly. My tears flowed because it was heart-wrenching and clashed against my moral conscience, but the tears of those who are right in that situation is AT LEAST the same as mine, and more. So acknowledging that, while my ideals remain to be advocating non-violent response, I can understand the impulse and need to unleash violence by some.

Still, it is difficult for me to come to terms morally to the use of violence. In fact, at times I have difficulties to come to terms with being angry as one school drama teacher questioned my ability to be angry; “can you actually be angry for once?” Compounded with the possibility and reality3, that those who have enacted violence are not necessarily doing so with care for others, whether they be the police or protesters, it becomes harder for me to square with the violence. While violence has justified itself throughout history to play a central role in the development of humanity for better or worse, I just don’t know if this is the time for violence for the better.

To black readers

I do not know how you perceive my writing. Is it with disdain? Disagreement? Disgust? Sadness? Regardless of what you think of me, I want you to know that you matter, and that your life certainly matter. No one can say otherwise, and I hope you will always bring that sense of worth with you.

To all readers

Sometimes in dealing with others’ experience, our mind starts churning. We start to rationalize others’ experience try in the name of objectivity and critical thinking to break down experience into minute facts, of which is formed through our own understanding. In doing so, when our understanding and experience is mismatch with the reality experienced by the other, we start to question the legitimacy of their claims. As I underwent reflection for this post, countless times I have done this myself, putting myself at the seat and lens of rationality. The progress of science have put a moral (or at least goodness) pedestal for objectivity, the analytical mind, the scientist within us.

But rewinding my senses to the time when I watched the video of George Floyd’s death it wasn’t objectivity that first shock me, it was the sadness and the desire to scream STOP! towards the police officers despite seeing it though a monitor. The first thing that connected and captured us within the tragedy was not our mind, but our hearts and emotion. Yes, being analytical has its time, but we are not animals of pure rationality either, having both thoughts and feelings. As such I hope we can all learn and continue to channel our hearts and feelings for the compassion of others, as many of us would fail to understand the lived experience, but can still share our emotions with one another.

Footnotes and resources

  1. One such man who said to just do something was Tyrone Edwards in this video ↩

  2. The book made by Ibram X. Kendi talks specifically about being an anti-racist. I haven’t gotten to the book myself ↩

  3. A woman lecturing on what seems to be “protesters” on their destructive tendencies on the properties that a community relies on. Meanwhile these “protesters” can only give vain cheers and empty nods ↩